Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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