Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
