1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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