i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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