I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
