when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
