so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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