i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
