dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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