I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
