My underwear smells like fireworks.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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