no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
