Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
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there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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