i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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