Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
