I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
