Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I need moral support for this bender
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
