He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
