Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
