we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
