I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
