can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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