Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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