When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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