I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
