Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
