just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i came on her dog
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
