my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
