Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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