I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
