OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize