Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
