He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
