There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
