Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
