omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
