2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
