Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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