I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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