hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
