my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
