his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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