Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(631): View more from New York

If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...

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(708): View more from Illinois

i dedicated my morning wood to you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

birth control should be required to get into college

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23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Read it at the TFLN blog
(912): View more from Georgia

She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.

(334): View more from Alabama

I stand by my new policy.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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(775): View more from Nevada

So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory

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