I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
