he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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