i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
