what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
