he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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