you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
