At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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