OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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