I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Enjoy the penises
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
