Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
