C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
