Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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