you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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