with your own penis?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
