some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
