Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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