You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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