Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
