Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
