thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
