fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
